Hello, I’m Xuemin.

Welcome to Episode 7 of Abnormal Relationships.

Today we discuss relationships deeply entangled with an Other.

Have you ever felt thatalthough you are building intimacy with one person, over time it seems someone else is always present?

Some people forever respond to parents instead of partners; some appear to love you but live in memory of an idealized former love; others increasingly let social media and consumerism decide what love and happiness mean.

Thus,a relationship may look like two people while far more than two actually shape it.This is what we call a relationship deeply entangled with an Other.

 

Consider three typical cases.

First are Zhuang Chaoying, played by Guo Xiaodong, and his wife Huang Ling, played by Yan Ni, in the series Romance in the Alley.

Zhuang embodies the mama's boy and blind filial son. Outside he is a responsible, respectable high-school teacher trusted to write college-entrance exams. At home, as husband and father, he is accusatory, cold, and absent.

Why? As the eldest rural son who rose through hard work, his parents taught him that the whole family's sacrifice enabled his success and must be repaid. Though married with children, he remains his birth family's loyal ATM and instrument.

Despite financial strain he gives most wages to his parents and forces his wife and children to sacrifice. When his mother favors a brother's children, he makes his own return to her home and accepts that wife and daughter cannot eat at the table. He unilaterally carries every good thing to his parents.

When his mother injures her foot, he forces his daughter to nurse her despite school and discomfort. He agrees that two nephews can occupy their cramped home, ignoring both children's needs. When Huang Ling objects, he calls her petty and greedy and sneers that she should beg for money.