Hello, I’m Xuemin.

Welcome to Episode 8 of Abnormal Relationships.

Today I want to discuss one-to-many relationships.

Here, this means one person simultaneously forms intimate relationships with several partners,with all parties knowing and consenting to some degree; it is a form of polyamory.

Some disparagingly call it ‘harem romance,’ but today's relationships are far more complex than ancient polygyny and cannot be explained simply as promiscuity. In a sense, one-to-many relationships are a modern creation and an active or passive adult choice.

I do not want merely to condemn them, but to ask:what harm may they cause to the central ‘one’ and the several partners? Why can someone have many bonds and still lack love? Why stay when it hurts? Why let others decide whether we deserve love? Why compare ourselves and seek proof that we are the most special?

Of course,these phenomena appear in any intimacy. But actual multiple partners require division of time, preference, commitment, and attention, making common abnormal elements more concentrated and visible.

 

Begin with a real counseling case.

Xiaomu first said: ‘My situation is complicated. My girlfriend has several boyfriends, but it isn't cheating. I knew from the start and still wanted her. Why does she need so many? Could I make her choose only me if I give more security and satisfaction?’

He and Xiaojiu met at a birthday party and had dated over six months. He felt immediate attraction and increasingly admired her confident openness and distinctive views on social issues and personal experience.

When he confessed, she replied: ‘I like you too, but you must keep this secret whether we date or not. I already have two boyfriends who know about each other. If you accept that, we can become lovers.’

After a week or two, he agreed, valuing her honesty. They were sweet at first, but repeated remarks—‘I'm traveling with X next week’ or ‘I saw that film with X, though I'll see it again if you really want’—hurt increasingly. Ashamed and unable to trust friends' advice, he sought counseling.

His opening questions were why she needed many partners and how to make her choose only him. Counseling revealed these were not fundamental, because no answer explainedwhy they stayed despite pain or how the relationship developed this way.