Hello, I’m Xuemin.

Welcome to Episode 4 of Abnormal Relationships. Today we discuss going Dutch in romantic relationships.

This means partners split money, housework, childcare, and other responsibilities equally or by an agreed ratio.It sounds rational, clear, and fair: neither owes the other, and neither is dependent. Such relationships have long existed, but as gender equality gains acceptance, more people are considering this model.

Placing it among toxic abnormal relationships alongside abusive or teacher-student relationships may confuse some listeners. Many see it as clear-headed, independent, and fair—especially as women increasingly seek financial and spiritual autonomy. Yet others find it cold and utilitarian: if intimacy is calculated to the last cent, how is it different from sharing a flat? Though opposed, both views assume that going Dutch creates fairness.

But the question is:What does fairness mean in intimacy? When rules ensure nobody owes anyone, might they also take us farther from real love?In this episode, I hope we can uncover the problems behind this arrangement, and I will end with some possible ways to change it.

 

Let us begin with several examples.

The first comes from the film Like a Rolling Stone.

Li Hong, played by Yong Mei, long split expenses with her husband Sun Dayong. After she drove away to travel alone, he did not call for years. His only contact was to demand RMB 81 she had charged to his ETC card.

The true story of Su Min, who inspired the film, is sadder. Her husband belittled her for years. During one dispute, depression and anguish drove her to stab herself three times in the chest, yet he remained unrepentant and called her ill. Once, when her mother was sick, she used his medical-insurance card to buy medicine; the next day he changed its password.

Strictly speaking, this was not an equal split at all: only money was divided, while Su Min was exploited and even abused in housework, parenting, and every other sphere. Financial separation was not the start of fairness but a signal that the relationship had completely fractured.

Other cases are different.