大家好，欢迎收听《爱与痛》， 我是杨芮。

看标题大家就知道，今天是一期我们这个节目最核心的书《关于爱的一切》的读书番外，也是一期鸽的番外。

哎，真是对不住大家，因为开学了，事情实在太多了，所以还是有点赶不及做正片。我感觉我一辈子都在和开学做斗争，每到开学就会发现欠了一屁股的事情，手忙脚乱。小时候因为整个暑假没写作业被打，现在做老师了，发现还是做学生时期的开学压力更小一点。大家刷视频可能会看到，一开学老师哭得比学生还要凶LOL 

那今天我要给大家读的，就是《关于爱的一切》的第三章，关于诚实与爱的一章。

我们知道诚实很重要，但是当听到贝尔是如何剖析谎言给爱的关系带来的伤害，以及去诚实地讨论无论女人还是男人，为什么会说谎，如何说谎来得到权力、操控关系的时候，还是会倒吸一口凉气，觉得这也太诚实了，不太好消化，可能宁愿她用别的方式，稍微修饰一点的方式来揭露这样的现实。

所以我想也给大家做一个小小的心理准备，可能这里的一些句子单单去听会非常感到冒犯，可是如果我们把它放到整个章节，乃至整个关于爱的讨论中去看，也许会对我们的思考以及自我觉察更有帮助。

那今天我会读的，还是用AI对英文原文进行的翻译。因为我觉得无论是内地的译本，还是最近台湾出的译本，都不是非常适合朗读出来——至少可能我读起来会觉得译文更加书面化，与bell原本英文写作的语感相差比较大。

AI翻译当然不是完美的，不过我觉得至少更适合在音频里表达她的意思。如果喜欢英文阅读的，或者是正在学英文的，我觉得国内现在初高中水平的孩子，应该都可以试着去读一读原文。

 

 

我们小时候第一次学到正义和公平，往往正是在“要不要说真话”这样的情境里，这绝非偶然。正义的核心就是讲真话：如实看见自己，也如实看见这个世界，而不是只看见我们希望自己和世界成为的样子。近年来，社会学家和心理学家记录了这样一个事实：在我们生活的这个国家，人们每天说的谎越来越多。

哲学家西塞拉·博克的《说谎：公共与私人生活中的道德选择》，是最早提醒人们注意这个严重问题的著作之一：说谎已经被广泛接受，成了日常交往中司空见惯的事。M. 斯科特·派克在《少有人走的路》中，也用整整一节讨论说谎。

另一位广受欢迎的心理治疗师哈丽雅特·勒纳在《欺骗之舞》中指出，性别歧视式的社会化会鼓励女性伪装和操控，把说谎当成讨好他人的方式。勒纳梳理了持续的伪装和谎言如何使女性远离自己的真实感受，又如何带来抑郁，以及自我意识的丧失。

It is no accident that when we first learn about justice and fair play as children it is usually in a context where the issue is one of telling the truth.

The heart of justice is truth telling, seeing ourselves and the world the way it is rather than the way we want it to be. In recent years sociologists and psychologists have documented the fact that we live in a nation where people are lying more and more each day.

Philosopher Sissela Bok’s book Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life was among the first works to call attention to the grave extent to which lying has become accepted and commonplace in our daily interactions. M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled includes an entire section on lying.

In The Dance of Deception, Harriet Lerner, another widely read psychotherapist, calls attention to the way in which women are encouraged by sexist socialization to pretend and manipulate, to lie as a way to please.

Lerner outlines the various ways in which constant pretense and lying alienate women from their true feelings, how it leads to depression and loss of self-awareness.

 

人们甚至会在日常生活中最微不足道的事情上说谎。当别人问我们一个最简单的问题，比如“你今天好吗？”，很多人给出的并不是真话，而是一个谎言。日常生活中的许多谎言，要么是为了躲开冲突，要么是为了不伤害别人的感情。

于是，当一个你并不怎么喜欢的人请你一起吃饭时，你既不说出真实感受，也不干脆谢绝，而是编出一个故事。你说了谎。可在这种情况下，如果讲明拒绝的理由可能会造成不必要的伤害，那么我们完全可以只说“不去”，不必编造借口。

Lies are told about the most insignificant aspects of daily life. When many of us are asked basic questions, like How are you today? a lie is substituted for the truth. Much of the lying people do in everyday life is done either to avoid conflict or to spare someone’s feelings.

Hence, if you are asked to come to dinner with someone whom you do not particularly like, you do not tell the truth or simply decline, you make up a story. You tell a lie. In such a situation it should be appropriate to simply decline if stating one’s reasons for declining might unnecessarily hurt someone.

 

很多人从童年就开始学习说谎。起初，他们通常是为了逃避惩罚，或者为了不让某个成年人失望、难过。我们当中有多少人，还能清楚地记得这样的童年时刻：我们勇敢地实践父母教给我们的诚实，却发现他们所谓的诚实，并不是真的希望我们无论何时都说真话。在太多情况下，孩子诚实地回答了掌握权威的成年人的问题，反而因此受到惩罚。

于是，他们很早就在意识里留下了一个印象：说真话会带来痛苦。然后他们学会了，说谎可以让自己免受伤害，也可以避免伤害别人。

Lots of people learn how to lie in childhood. Usually they begin to lie to avoid punishment or to avoid disappointing or hurting an adult. How many of us can vividly recall childhood moments where we courageously practiced the honesty we had been taught to value by our parents, only to find that they did not really mean for us to tell the truth all the time.

In far too many cases children are punished in circumstances where they respond with honesty to a question posed by an adult authority figure. It is impressed on their consciousness early on, then, that telling the truth will cause pain. And so they learn that lying is a way to avoid being hurt and hurting others.

 

许多孩子因此感到困惑：大人一方面坚持要求他们诚实，另一方面又要求他们学会在方便的时候说两套话。随着长大，他们开始看见成年人多么频繁地说谎，也开始发现，身边真正说真话的人少之又少。

我成长的那个世界教导孩子必须诚实，但我们没过多久就明白，大人自己并不会照着他们说的去做。在我的兄弟姐妹中，那些学会说礼貌的谎话、会说大人想听的话的人，总是比我们这些说真话的人更受欢迎，也得到更多奖励。

ENGLISH 04 

Lots of children are confused by the insistence that they simultaneously be honest and yet also learn how to practice convenient duplicity. As they mature they begin to see how often grown-ups lie. They begin to see that few people around them tell the truth.

I was raised in a world where children were taught to tell the truth, but it did not take long for us to figure out that adults did not practice what they preached. Among my siblings, those who learned how to tell polite lies or say what grown-ups wanted to hear were always more popular and more rewarded than those of us who told the truth.

 

在任何一群孩子当中，我们都很难说清，为什么有些孩子很快就掌握了伪饰的精巧技艺——也就是根据情境的需要，摆出某种样子来操控局面——另一些孩子却很难掩饰真实的感受。假装原本就是儿童游戏中一个非常常见的部分，因此，游戏也成了学习伪饰的绝佳环境。隐藏真相，在儿童游戏里常常很好玩；可是，一旦它变成一种日常习惯，就可能成为时时说谎的危险开端。

Among any group of kids it is never clear why some quickly learn the fine art of dissimulation (that is, taking on whatever appearance is needed to manipulate a situation) while others find it hard to mask true feeling.

Since pretense is such an expected aspect of childhood play, it is a perfect context for mastering the art of dissimulation. Concealing the truth is often a fun part of childhood play, yet when it becomes a common practice it is a dangerous prelude to lying all the time.

 

有时，孩子会对说谎着迷，是因为他们看见谎言能赋予自己一种支配成年人的力量。

想象一下：一个小女孩到了学校，告诉老师自己是被收养的，可她心里完全知道这不是真的。她陶醉在由此得到的关注里：既享受老师给予的同情和理解，也享受老师打电话询问这个“新发现”时，父母的挫败和愤怒。

我认识一个经常说谎的孩子。她告诉我，她喜欢愚弄别人，喜欢让别人根据某个“事实”采取行动，而只有她自己知道，那件事根本不是真的。她才十岁。

Sometimes children are fascinated by lying because they see the power it gives them over adults.

Imagine: A little girl goes to school and tells her teacher she is adopted, knowing all the while that this is not true. She revels in the attention received, both the sympathy and the understanding offered as well as the frustration and anger of her parents when the teacher calls to talk about this newly discovered information.

A friend of mine who lies a lot tells me she loves fooling people and making them act on knowledge that only she knows is untrue; she is ten years old.

 

我像她那么大时，却很害怕谎言。谎言让我困惑，也制造混乱。别的孩子会取笑我，因为我不擅长说谎。在父母之间唯一一次真正暴力的冲突中，父亲指责母亲欺骗了他。

还有一个晚上，姐姐说自己去帮别人照看孩子，其实却出去约会了。父亲一边打她，一边不停地喊：“不许对我说谎！”他如此暴力的反应，让我们对说谎的后果产生了恐惧；可是，这并没有改变另一个事实：我们知道，他自己也并不总是说真话。他最喜欢的说谎方式，就是隐瞒。他的格言是：别人问你问题时，“只要保持沉默”，你就不会“被抓到说谎”。

When I was her age I was frightened by lies. They confused me and they created confusion. Other kids poked fun at me because I was not good at lying. In the one truly violent episode between my mother and father, he accused her of lying to him. Then there was the night an older sister lied and said she was baby-sitting when she was actually out on a date.

As he hit her, our father kept yelling, “Don’t you lie to me!” While the violence of his response created in us a terror of the consequences of lying, it did not alter the reality that we knew he did not always tell the truth. His favorite way of lying was withholding. His motto was “just remain silent” when asked questions, then you will not get “caught in a lie.”

 

我爱过的男人，总是会为了逃避冲突，或者逃避为自己的不当行为承担责任而说谎。

在多萝西·迪纳斯坦那本开创性的著作《美人鱼与牛头怪：性安排与人类困境》中，她提出一个洞见：当一个小男孩发现，那个看起来非常强大、掌控着他生活的母亲，在父权制度里其实并没有权力时，他会感到困惑，也会产生愤怒。

说谎于是成为一种策略，让他可以借此“发泄”或“演出”内在的冲突，也让母亲变得无能为力。他一边操控母亲，一边暴露出母亲其实没有权力；这会让他觉得，自己更有力量。

The men I have loved have always lied to avoid confrontation or take responsibility for inappropriate behavior.

In Dorothy Dinnerstein’s groundbreaking book The Mermaid and the Minotaur: Sexual Arrangements and Human Malaise, she shares the insight that when a little boy learns that his powerful mother, who controls his life, really has no power within a patriarchy, it confuses him and causes rage.

Lying becomes one of the strategic ways he can “act out” and render his mother powerless. Lying enables him to manipulate the mother even as he exposes her lack of power. This makes him feel more powerful.

 

男性学习用说谎获取权力；女性不仅也会这样做，还会通过说谎来假装自己没有力量。勒纳在她的作品中谈到，父权制如何维护欺骗：它鼓励女性在男性面前呈现一个虚假的自我，也鼓励男性对女性这样做。

在多丽·霍兰德的《男人对女人说的101个谎言》中，她证实，尽管男人和女人都会说谎，但她的数据和其他研究者的发现都显示：“男人往往说更多的谎，也造成更具毁灭性的后果。”

对许多男孩来说，最早体验到支配他人的力量，来自这样一种兴奋：他们欺骗了比自己更有权力的成年人，而且没有被发现。许多男人对我说，如果他们预见到真话会伤害自己所爱的人，就很难把它说出来。

更值得注意的是，许多男孩为了不伤害妈妈或其他人而学会的谎言，会逐渐变成一种根深蒂固的习惯，以至于他们很难再分清什么是谎言、什么是真话。而这样的行为会一直延续到成年。

Males learn to lie as a way of obtaining power, and females not only do the same but they also lie to pretend powerlessness. In her work Harriet Lerner talks about the way in which patriarchy upholds deception, encouraging women to present a false self to men and vice versa.

In Dory Hollander’s 101 Lies Men Tell Women, she confirms that while both women and men lie, her data and the findings of other researchers indicate that “men tend to lie more and with more devastating consequences.”

For many young males the earliest experience of power over others comes from the thrill of lying to more powerful adults and getting away with it. Lots of men shared with me that it was difficult for them to tell the truth if they saw that it would hurt a loved one.

Significantly, the lying many boys learn to do to avoid hurting Mom or whomever becomes so habitual that it becomes hard for them to distinguish a lie from the truth. This behavior carries over into adulthood.

 

有些男人在工作中根本不会想到说谎，却在亲密关系里不断说谎。尤其是那些把女性看成轻信、好骗之人的异性恋男性，似乎更是如此。许多男人承认，他们说谎，是因为他们知道自己不会付出代价；他们的谎言总会得到原谅。

要理解为什么男性说谎在我们的生活中更容易被接受，我们就必须理解，在父权文化里，一个人仅仅因为是男性，就会被赋予怎样的权力和特权。“做个男人”，或者做个“真正的男人”，历来都暗含这样一层意思：必要的时候，男人可以打破规则，甚至可以凌驾于法律之上。

父权制每天都通过电影、电视和杂志告诉我们，有权势的男人可以为所欲为，而正是这种自由让他们成为男人。男性接收到的信息是：诚实意味着“软弱”；能够欺骗，又对谎言的后果漠不关心，才会使一个男性变得强硬，才会把“真正的男人”和小男孩区分开来。

Often, men who would never think of lying in the workplace lie constantly in intimate relationships. This seems to be especially the case for heterosexual men who see women as gullible. Many men confess that they lie because they can get away with it; their lies are forgiven.

To understand why male lying is more accepted in our lives we have to understand the way in which power and privilege are accorded men simply because they are males within a patriarchal culture. The very concept of “being a man” and a “real man” has always implied that when necessary men can take action that breaks the rules, that is above the law.

Patriarchy tells us daily through movies, television, and magazines that men of power can do whatever they want, that it’s this freedom that makes them men. The message given males is that to be honest is to be “soft.” The ability to be dishonest and indifferent to the consequences makes a male hard, separates the men from the boys.

 

约翰·斯托尔滕贝格在《男子气概的终结：写给有良知的男人》一书中分析了一个问题：父权文化提供给男性、并把它塑造成理想的那种男性身份，在多大程度上要求每一个男人发明一个虚假的自我，然后不断维护它。

从小男孩被教导不应该哭、不应该表达受伤、孤独或疼痛，必须坚强的那一刻起，他们就在学习掩盖真实感受。最糟糕的情况下，他们学到的甚至是永远不要有任何感觉。教给男性这些规训的，通常是其他男性，以及内化了性别歧视的母亲。

即使一个男孩成长在最进步、最有爱的家庭里，父母鼓励他表达情感，他仍然会在操场上、课堂上、运动中和电视里，学到另一套关于男子气概和情感的理解。为了被其他男孩接纳，得到男性权威人物的肯定，他最后仍有可能选择父权式的男性气质。

John Stoltenberg’s book The End of Manhood: A Book for Men of Conscience analyzes the extent to which the masculine identity offered men as the ideal in patriarchal culture is one that requires all males to invent and invest in a false self.

From the moment little boys are taught they should not cry or express hurt, feelings of loneliness, or pain, that they must be tough, they are learning how to mask true feelings. In worst-case scenarios they are learning how to not feel anything ever. These lessons are usually taught to males by other males and sexist mothers.

Even boys raised in the most progressive, loving households, where parents encourage them to express emotions, learn a different understanding about masculinity and feelings on the playground, in the classroom, playing sports, or watching television.

They may end up choosing patriarchal masculinity to be accepted by other boys and affirmed by male authority figures.

 

维克多·塞德勒在他的重要著作《重新发现男性气质》中强调：

“当我们还是男孩，开始学习使用语言时，我们很快也就学会了如何用语言把自己隐藏起来。我们学着‘掌控’语言，好让自己能够控制周围的世界……我们学会把关系中的不快乐和痛苦归咎于别人；但在某个没有被说出来的层面，我们其实也知道，自己的男性气质曾怎样被限制、被伤害。当我们触碰那种伤痛，意识到自己似乎对任何事情都已经没有多少感觉时，我们也会感受到其中的疼痛……”

与自己的感受疏离，使男人更容易说谎，因为他们常常处在一种近乎恍惚或麻木的状态里，使用的是儿时学会的生存策略：不断证明自己是个男人。无法与他人建立连接，也意味着他们无法为自己给别人造成的痛苦承担责任。

当男人试图为自己对弱势者——通常是女性——施加的极端暴力辩护，声称真正被女性伤害的人其实是自己时，这种否认表现得最为明显。

In his important work Rediscovering Masculinity, Victor Seidler stresses:

“When we learn to use language as boys, we very quickly learn how to conceal ourselves through language. We learn to ‘master’ language so that we can control the world around us. . . . Even though we learn to blame others for our unhappiness and misery in relationships we also know at some unspoken level how our masculinity has been limited and injured as we touch the hurt and pain of realizing how little we seem to feel about anything. . . .”

Estrangement from feelings makes it easier for men to lie because they are often in a trance state, utilizing survival strategies of asserting manhood that they learned as boys. This inability to connect with others carries with it an inability to assume responsibility for causing pain.

This denial is most evident in cases where men seek to justify extreme violence toward those less powerful, usually women, by suggesting they are the ones who are really victimized by females.

 

无论男性的伪装有多么彻底，许多男人的内心都把自己看成缺乏爱的受害者。和所有人一样，他们小时候也曾相信，自己的生命里会有爱。尽管那么多男孩被教导要表现得仿佛爱并不重要，他们的心底仍然渴望爱。这种渴望不会因为他们长成男人就自动消失。

说谎，作为一种把内在冲突诉诸行动的方式，是他们表达愤怒的一条途径；他们持续地愤怒，是因为爱曾经许下的承诺落空了。要拥抱父权制，他们就必须主动放弃对爱的渴望。

Regardless of the intensity of the male masquerade, inwardly many men see themselves as the victims of lovelessness. Like everyone, they learned as children to believe that love would be present in their lives. Although so many boys are taught to behave as though love does not matter, in their hearts they yearn for it.

That yearning does not go away simply because they become men. Lying, as one form of acting out, is a way they articulate ongoing rage at the failure of love’s promise. To embrace patriarchy, they must actively surrender the longing to love.

 

父权式的男性气质不只要求男孩和男人把自己看成比女性更强大、更优越，还要求他们不惜一切代价守住自己的控制地位。这也是为什么，与女性相比，男性更常把说谎当作在关系里获取权力的手段。

在父权文化中，有一个被普遍接受的假设：即使一个群体或一个人支配着另一个群体或另一个人，爱仍然可以存在。许多人相信，男人可以支配女人和孩子，同时依旧是有爱的。

精神分析学家卡尔·荣格曾一针见血地强调一个简单的道理：“当权力意志凌驾于一切，爱便会缺席。”无论种族或阶级，只要和任何一群女性谈起她们与男性的关系，你都会听到关于权力意志的故事：男人怎样利用谎言——也包括隐瞒信息——来控制她们，使她们居于从属位置。

Patriarchal masculinity requires of boys and men not only that they see themselves as more powerful and superior to women but that they do whatever it takes to maintain their controlling position. This is one of the reasons men, more so than women, use lying as a means of gaining power in relationships.

A commonly accepted assumption in a patriarchal culture is that love can be present in a situation where one group or individual dominates another. Many people believe men can dominate women and children yet still be loving. Psychoanalyst Carl Jung insightfully emphasized the truism that “where the will to power is paramount love will be lacking.”

Talk to any group of women about their relationships with men, no matter their race or class, and you will hear stories about the will to power, about the way men use lying, and that includes withholding information, as a way to control and subordinate.

 

社会对说谎的接受度不断上升，恰好与女性获得更多社会平等发生在同一个时期，这绝非偶然。

女权运动早期，女性指出，男性占据上风，是因为经济资源通常掌握在他们手中。如今，女性的收入能力大幅提高——尽管仍未与男性平等——女性在经济上也更加独立。那些仍想维持支配地位的男人，便不得不使用更隐蔽的策略，去侵占女性的生活，削弱她们的力量。

哪怕一个女人事业有成、极其富有，只要她身处一段关系，在其中渴望被爱，却不断遭受欺骗，她依然可能被“击垮”。她越信任自己的男性伴侣，谎言和其他形式的背叛就越可能摧毁她的自信和自尊。

It is no accident that greater cultural acceptance of lying in this society coincided with women gaining greater social equality. Early on in the feminist movement women insisted that men had the upper hand, because they usually controlled the finances.

Now that women’s earning power has greatly increased (though it is not on a par with men’s), and women are more economically independent, men who want to maintain dominance must deploy subtler strategies to colonize and disempower them.

Even the wealthiest professional woman can be “brought down” by being in a relationship where she longs to be loved and is consistently lied to. To the degree that she trusts her male companion, lying and other forms of betrayal will most likely shatter her self-confidence and self-esteem.

 

认同男性支配，意味着接受这种观念的男人——而这样的人即便不是绝大多数，也为数众多——必须“不惜一切手段”维持对女性的统治。家庭暴力得到了很多文化关注，几乎每个人也都同意，男人不应该通过殴打女性迫使我们屈服；可是，大多数男人会用心理恐怖主义来使女性居于从属地位。这是一种得到社会认可的强迫形式，而谎言正是这套武器库中最强大的武器之一。

当男人向女人说谎，呈现一个虚假的自我，他们为了维持对我们的“支配权”而付出的可怕代价，就是失去给予爱和接受爱的能力。信任是亲密的基础。谎言一旦侵蚀信任，真正的连接就不可能发生。支配他人的男人仍然可以给予和接受持续的照料，但他们也在自己与爱的体验之间竖起了一道屏障。

Allegiance to male domination requires of men who embrace this thinking (and many, if not most, do) that they maintain dominance over women “by any means necessary.”

While much cultural attention is given to domestic violence and practically everyone agrees it is wrong for men to hit women as a way of subordinating us, most men use psychological terrorism as a way to subordinate women. This is a socially acceptable form of coercion. And lying is one of the most powerful weapons in this arsenal.

When men lie to women, presenting a false self, the terrible price they pay to maintain “power over” us is the loss of their capacity to give and receive love.

Trust is the foundation of intimacy. When lies erode trust, genuine connection cannot take place. While men who dominate others can and do experience ongoing care, they place a barrier between themselves and the experience of love.

 

所有反对男性支配、具有远见的男性思想者都坚持认为：男人只有拒绝支配他人的意志，才可能回到爱中。在《男子气概的终结》中，斯托尔滕贝格一再强调，男人只有通过实践充满爱的正义，才能尊重自身真正的自我。他断言：“人与人之间的正义，也许是人所能拥有的最重要的连接。”爱自己和他人的正义，使男人得以挣脱父权式男性气质的扼制。

在题为“我们如何与生命中的女性建立更好的关系”一章中，斯托尔滕贝格写道：

“当一个男人更在乎其他男人对男子气概的评判时，男人与女人之间以爱为基础的正义便没有立足之地。当一个男人决定爱男子气概胜过爱正义，他与女性的所有关系都会出现可以预见的后果……学习成为一个有良知的男人，意味着你必须做出一个决定：忠于你所爱的人，永远比忠于其他男人对你‘够不够男人’的评判更加重要，无论你偶尔还会多么在意那种评判。”

当男人和女人忠于自己、也忠于他人，当我们热爱正义，我们就会充分理解，谎言如何以无数种方式削弱、侵蚀有意义的关怀与连接，如何挡在爱面前。

All visionary male thinkers challenging male domination insist that men can return to love only by repudiating the will to dominate. In The End of Manhood, Stoltenberg continually emphasizes that men can honor their own selfhood only through loving justice.

He asserts: “Justice between people is perhaps the most important connection people can have.” Loving justice for themselves and others enables men to break the chokehold of patriarchal masculinity.

In the chapter titled “How We Can Have Better Relationships with the Women in Our Lives,” Stoltenberg writes: “Loving justice between a man and a woman does not stand a chance when other men’s manhood matters more.

When a man has decided to love manhood more than justice, there are predictable consequences in all his relationships with women. . . . Learning to live as a man of conscience means deciding that your loyalty to the people whom you love is always more important than whatever lingering loyalty you may sometimes feel to other men’s judgment on your manhood.”

When men and women are loyal to ourselves and others, when we love justice, we understand fully the myriad ways in which lying diminishes and erodes the possibility of meaningful, caring connection, that it stands in the way of love.

 

在我们的文化里，男性的价值和行为通常被当作衡量什么可以接受的标准。因此，我们必须明白：纵容说谎，是父权思维施加给每一个人的重要组成部分。利用谎言获取支配他人的权力，绝不只是男人才会做的事。

事实上，如果说父权式男性气质使男人与真实的自我疏离，那么同样真实的是，那些接受父权式女性气质的女人——也就是坚持认为女性应该表现得软弱、不能理性思考、愚笨又轻佻的女人——也会在社会化过程中学会戴上面具，学会说谎。这正是勒纳在《欺骗之舞》中讨论的核心主题之一。

她以敏锐的洞察，要求女性正视我们自己如何参与了伪装与谎言的结构，尤其是在家庭生活里。女人常常可以心安理得地欺骗男人，以此操控他们，让他们给我们想要或自认为应得的东西。我们也可能为了增强一个男人的自尊而说谎。这些谎言可能表现为假装拥有自己并没有的感情，也可能表现为夸大并不真实的情感脆弱和依赖。

Since the values and behavior of men are usually the standards by which everyone in our culture determines what is acceptable, it is important to understand that condoning lying is an essential component of patriarchal thinking for everyone. Men are by no means the only group who use lies as a way of gaining power over others.

Indeed, if patriarchal masculinity estranges men from their selfhood, it is equally true that women who embrace patriarchal femininity, the insistence that females should act as though they are weak, incapable of rational thought, dumb, silly, are also socialized to wear a mask—to lie. This is one of the primary themes in Lerner’s The Dance of Deception.

With shrewd insight she calls women to account for our participation in structures of pretense and lies—particularly within family life. Women are often comfortable lying to men in order to manipulate them to give us things we feel we want or deserve. We may lie to bolster a male’s self-esteem.

These lies may take the form of pretending to feel emotions we do not feel to pretending levels of emotional vulnerability and neediness that are false.

 

异性恋女性经常从其他女性那里，学会如何通过欺骗来操控男人。女人支持彼此说谎的许多例子，都与寻找伴侣和生育的愿望有关。曾经有一段时间，我很想要孩子，但当时的男性伴侣还没有准备好。令我震惊的是，有那么多女人鼓励我无视他的感受，不告诉他，直接去做。

她们觉得，即使因此剥夺了孩子被亲生父母双方共同期待的权利，也没有什么关系。（如果女性使用捐赠精子生育，其中并不存在欺骗，因为在这样的情形里，并没有一个现实存在的男性家长，会拒绝或惩罚这个自己不想要的孩子。）

令我不安的是，那些我尊敬的女性并不认真看待男性参与养育的需要，也不认为一个男人真心想成为父亲，与一个女人真心想成为母亲同样重要。不管我们愿不愿意承认，我们仍然生活在这样一个世界：孩子会想知道自己的父亲是谁；如果有可能，他们会去寻找缺席的父亲。我无法想象把一个孩子带到世上，而孩子的父亲可能拒绝他或她，只因为他从一开始就不想要这个孩子。

Heterosexual women are often schooled by other women in the art of lying to men as a way to manipulate. Many examples of the support females receive for lying concern the desire to mate and bear children.

When I longed to have a baby and my male partner at the time was not ready, I was stunned by the number of women who encouraged me to disregard his feelings, to go ahead without telling him.

They felt it was fine to deny a child the right to be desired by both female and male biological parents. (No deception is involved when a woman has a child with a sperm donor, as in such a case there is no visible male parent to reject or punish an unwanted child.)

It disturbed me that women I respected did not take the need for male parenting seriously or believe that it was as important for a man to want to parent as a woman.

Whether we like it or not we still live in a world where children want to know who their fathers are and, when they can, go in search of absent fathers. I could not imagine bringing a child into this world whose father might reject him or her because he did not desire a child in the first place.

 

我在二十世纪五十年代长大，那时还没有可靠的避孕方式，每个女孩都非常清楚，意外怀孕会怎样改变一个年轻女人的人生轨迹。可即便在那个时候，也很明显，有些女孩希望通过怀孕，在情感上把某个男人永远绑在自己身边。

我原以为，那样的时代早已过去。然而，即使到了这个号称两性平等的年代，我仍会听见这样的故事：有些女性会在关系动荡时选择怀孕，以此迫使男人留在自己的生命里，或者希望借此逼对方结婚。比我们想象的更多的男人，会因为一个女人生下了自己的孩子，而感到自己与她有了极强的羁绊。

但在生育这件事上，男人最终屈服于欺骗和操控，并不能使这样的做法变得正确或正义。男人如果接受自己被欺骗、被操控，不仅是在放弃自己的力量，也是在制造一种局面，让自己日后可以“责怪”女性，或者为厌女辩护。

Growing up in the fifties, in the days before adequate birth control, every female was acutely conscious of the way unwanted pregnancies could alter the course of a young woman’s life. Still, it was clear then that there were girls who hoped for pregnancy to emotionally bind individual males to them forever. I thought those days were long gone.

Yet even in this era of social equality between the sexes I hear stories of females choosing to get pregnant when a relationship is rocky as a way of forcing the male to remain in their life or in the hope of forcing marriage. More than we might think, some men feel extremely bound to a woman when she gives birth to a child they have fathered.

The fact that men succumb to being lied to and manipulated when the issue is biological parenting does not make it right or just. Men who accept being lied to and manipulated are not only abdicating their power, they are setting up a situation where they can “blame” women or justify woman-hating.

 

这也是一个利用说谎获取支配他人的力量、违背对方意愿把人留住的例子。哈丽雅特·勒纳提醒读者，诚实只是“说真话”的一个面向；人们也把诚实等同于一种“道德上的卓越：不存在欺瞒或诈骗”。

父权式“女性气质”的面具，往往使女性的欺骗显得可以接受。然而，当女性说谎时，我们也让那些古老的性别歧视刻板印象显得更加可信——仿佛女性天生就比男性更没有能力讲真话。这种性别歧视刻板印象的源头，可以一直追溯到亚当和夏娃的古老故事，追溯到夏娃甚至愿意对上帝说谎的叙事。

This is another case where lying is used to gain power over someone, to hold them against their will. Harriet Lerner reminds readers that honesty is only one aspect of truth telling—that it is equated with “moral excellence: an absence of deception or fraud.” The mask of patriarchal “femininity” often renders women’s deceptions acceptable.

However, when women lie we lend credence to age-old sexist stereotypes that suggest women are inherently, by virtue of being female, less capable of truth telling. The origins of this sexist stereotype extend back to ancient stories of Adam and Eve, of Eve’s willingness to lie even to God.

 

很多时候，当女人或男人隐瞒信息，他们给出的理由都是保护隐私。在我们的文化中，隐私常常与秘密混为一谈。开放、诚实、愿意讲真话的人，同样重视隐私。

我们每个人都需要一些空间，可以独自与自己的思想和感受相处；在这样的空间里，我们能够拥有健康的心理自主，也能够自己选择何时与人分享。可是，保守秘密通常与权力有关，与隐藏和遮蔽信息有关。因此，许多康复项目会强调：“you are only as sick as your secrets你的秘密有多深，你的病就有多重。”

我曾经的一位男友并不知道，自己的家庭中藏着一个受到严密保护的、与乱伦有关的秘密。他的姐姐把这件事告诉了我，我随即要求她也告诉男友 。如果她姐姐不说，我就会说。我认为，如果我替他们瞒着他，就违背了我们作为伴侣对彼此开放和诚实的承诺。

如果我和他的母亲、姐妹一起隐瞒信息，我就是在参与并维系这个家庭的功能失调。把真相告诉他，反而是在确认我对他的忠诚，也是对他有能力面对现实的尊重。

Often, when information is withheld by women and men, protection of privacy is the justification. In our culture privacy is often confused with secrecy. Open, honest, truth-telling individuals value privacy.

We all need spaces where we can be alone with thoughts and feelings—where we can experience healthy psychological autonomy and can choose to share when we want to. Keeping secrets is usually about power, about hiding and concealing information.

Hence, many recovery programs stress that “you are only as sick as your secrets.” When a former boyfriend’s sister shared with me a carefully guarded family secret regarding incest, which he did not know about, I responded by requesting that she tell him. If she didn’t, I would.

I felt that keeping this information a secret from him would violate the commitment we had made as a couple to be open and honest with each other. By withholding this information from him, joining his mother and sisters, I would have been participating in family dysfunction. Sharing with him affirmed my loyalty and respect for his capacity to cope with reality.

 

隐私会巩固我们所有的关系，秘密却会削弱、损伤人与人之间的连接。勒纳指出，在真相被揭开之前，我们通常并“不知道保守一个秘密要付出怎样的情感代价”。秘密往往伴随着谎言，而谎言总会为潜在的背叛和对信任的侵犯搭好舞台。

While privacy strengthens all our bonds, secrecy weakens and damages connection. Lerner points out that we do not usually “know the emotional costs of keeping a secret” until the truth is disclosed. Usually, secrecy involves lying. And lying is always the setting for potential betrayal and violation of trust.

 

我们的文化如此广泛地接受说谎，是许多人永远无法认识爱的重要原因之一。当一个人的核心存在和身份被秘密与谎言包裹起来时，我们不可能滋养自己或另一个人的精神成长。在欺骗的环境里，我们不可能相信另一个人始终愿意善待自己，也不可能拥有以爱的实践为核心的稳固基础。

正因为这个道理如此真实，所有那些自认为出于审慎而做出的隐瞒，都会成为重大的道德难题。比以往任何时候都更迫切的是，我们这个社会需要重新许下讲真话的承诺。可当说谎被认为比说真话更容易接受，这个承诺就很难做到。说谎已经如此普遍，甚至在人们明明可以更轻松地讲真话时，他们仍然选择说谎。

Widespread cultural acceptance of lying is a primary reason many of us will never know love. It is impossible to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual growth when the core of one’s being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies.

Trusting that another person always intends your good, having a core foundation of loving practice, cannot exist within a context of deception. It is this truism that makes all acts of judicious withholding major moral dilemmas.

More than ever before we, as a society, need to renew a commitment to truth telling. Such a commitment is difficult when lying is deemed more acceptable than telling the truth. Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth.

 

几乎每一个心理健康工作者，从学识最渊博的精神分析师到没有受过专业训练的自助导师，都告诉我们：讲真话会让人生充实得多，也会让我们所有人活得更加健康。可我们当中的大多数人，并没有争先恐后地站出来，承认自己是讲真话的人。

事实上，作为一个努力在日常生活中保持诚实的人，我始终承受着一种拉扯：哪怕我只是在最简单的事情上讲出真话，也会被人看成一个“怪人”。如果朋友送给我一件礼物，问我到底喜不喜欢，我会诚实、审慎地回答；也就是说，我会用积极而关怀的方式讲出真话。然而，即使在这种情况下，那个主动要求我诚实的人，在听到真实回答时也常常会表现出恼怒。

Practically every mental health care practictioner, from the most erudite psychoanalysts to untrained self-help gurus, tell us that it is infinitely more fulfilling and we are all saner if we tell the truth, yet most of us are not rushing to stand up and be counted among the truth tellers.

Indeed, as someone committed to being honest in daily life I experience the constant drag of being seen as a “freak” for telling the truth, even when I speak truthfully about simple matters.

If a friend gives me a gift and asks me to tell him or her whether or not I like it, I will respond honestly and judiciously; that is to say, I will speak the truth in a positive, caring manner. Yet even in this situation, the person who asks for honesty will often express annoyance when given a truthful response.

 

在今天的世界里，我们被教导要害怕真相，相信真相总会伤人。诚实的人被描绘成天真幼稚的人，或者注定的失败者。文化宣传持续不断地轰炸我们，试图让所有人相信谎言更加重要、真相无关紧要，于是，我们每个人都可能成为受害者。消费文化尤其鼓励说谎。

在各种文化媒介中，广告可以说是最公开地认可谎言的一种。让人们永远处于匮乏之中，永远渴望更多，能够巩固市场经济。没有爱的生活，会为消费主义带来繁荣；谎言则会强化掠夺性的广告世界。我们被动接受公共生活中的谎言，尤其是大众媒体传播的谎言，这也维护并延续了私人生活中的欺骗。

如果我们愿意公开地生活，愿意承诺讲真话，八卦媒体在公共生活中就不会再有什么可以揭露。对认识爱的承诺可以保护我们：它使我们忠于真实的生活，愿意在私人生活与公共生活里，都开放而完整地分享自己。

In today’s world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts. We are encouraged to see honest people as naive, as potential losers. Bombarded with cultural propaganda ready to instill in all of us the notion that lies are more important, that truth does not matter, we are all potential victims.

Consumer culture in particular encourages lies. Advertising is one of the cultural mediums that has most sanctioned lying. Keeping people in a constant state of lack, in perpetual desire, strengthens the marketplace economy. Lovelessness is a boon to consumerism. And lies strengthen the world of predatory advertising.

Our passive acceptance of lies in public life, particularly via the mass media, upholds and perpetuates lying in our private lives. In our public life there would be nothing for tabloid journalism to expose if we lived our lives out in the open, committed to truth telling.

Commitment to knowing love can protect us by keeping us wedded to a life of truth, willing to share ourselves openly and fully in both private and public life.

 

要认识爱，我们必须对自己讲真话，也必须对别人讲真话。创造一个虚假的自我来掩盖恐惧和不安全感，已经变得如此普遍，以至于很多人忘记了伪装之下的自己究竟是谁，也忘记了自己真正的感受。打破这种否认，永远是我们重新发现自己渴望诚实、渴望清晰的第一步。

谎言和秘密会成为负担，给我们带来压力。一个始终说谎的人，根本意识不到讲真话可以卸下这份沉重。要认识到这一点，他必须先放下谎言。

To know love we have to tell the truth to ourselves and to others. Creating a false self to mask fears and insecurities has become so common that many of us forget who we are and what we feel underneath the pretense. Breaking through this denial is always the first step in uncovering our longing to be honest and clear.

Lies and secrets burden us and cause stress. When an individual has always lied, he has no awareness that truth telling can take away this heavy burden. To know this he must let the lies go.

 

女权主义运动刚刚兴起时，女性曾经公开谈论，我们渴望更深入地了解男人，渴望爱他们本来的样子。我们也谈到，自己渴望因为真实的样子而被爱——也就是说，我们希望自己的身体与精神都得到接纳，而不是觉得必须把自己塑造成一个幻想中的形象，才能成为男性欲望的对象。我们也鼓励男性忠于自己，表达自己。

可后来，当男人真的开始分享思想和感受时，一些女人却无法承受。她们反而希望过去的谎言和伪装重新回到原位。二十世纪七十年代，有一张很流行的《西尔维娅》贺卡，画的是一个女人坐在算命师面前，凝视着一颗水晶球。

卡片正面写着：“他从来不谈自己的感受。”翻到里面，算命师的回答是：“明天下午两点，男人会开始谈论自己的感受。到两点零五分，全美国的女人都会后悔。”当我们真正听见另一个人的思想、信念和感受，就很难再把自己对他的想象投射到他身上，也更难操控他。

有时，女人很难听进去许多男人真正想说的话，因为他们说出来的内容，并不符合我们关于他们的幻想，也不符合我们希望他们成为的样子。

When feminism first began, women talked openly about our desires to know men better, to love them for who they really are.

We talked about our desires to be loved for who we really are (i.e., to be accepted in our physical and spiritual beings rather than feeling we had to make ourselves into a fantasy self to become the object of male desire). And we urged men to be true to themselves, to express themselves.

Then when men began to share their thoughts and feelings, some women could not cope. They wanted the old lies and pretenses to be back in place. In the seventies, a popular Sylvia greeting card showed a woman seated in front of a fortune-teller gazing into a crystal ball.

The caption on the front of the card read: “He never talks about his feelings.” On the inside the response was: “Next year at 2:00 P.M. men will start talking about their feelings. And at 2:05 women all over America will be sorry.”

When we hear another person’s thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, it is more difficult to project on to them our perceptions of who they are. It is harder to be manipulative. At times women find it difficult to hear what many men have to say when what they tell us does not conform to our fantasies of who they are or who we want them to be.

 

许多男性心中那个受伤的孩子，是一个曾经说出自己的真相，却遭到父亲式的残酷压制、被父权世界强迫沉默的男孩；那个世界不允许他承认并拥有自己的真实感受。许多女性心中那个受伤的孩子，则是一个从小就被教导必须变成另一个人、必须否认真实感受，才能吸引并取悦别人的女孩。

当男人和女人因为对方讲真话而惩罚彼此，我们就进一步巩固了一个观念：谎言比真话更好。要去爱，我们就要愿意倾听彼此的真实；更重要的是，我们要确认讲真话本身的价值。谎言也许能让人暂时感觉好一点，却无法帮助他们认识爱。

The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings.

The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood on that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others.

When men and women punish each other for truth telling we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving we willingly hear each other’s truth and, most important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them to know love.