Hello, I’m Xuemin.

Welcome to Episode 10 of Abnormal Relationships, the final episode of Chapter 1, “This Is Not Love.”

Today we discuss sadomasochism, commonly called SM.

Before beginning, let me distinguish it from the abusive love discussed inEpisode 1.

There, rationalizing harm, suppressing self, and fantasizing about the future made someone endure real injury while believing love caused it and patience would improve things.

SM means sadomasochism: S is sadism, deriving pleasure from inflicting pain; M is masochism, deriving it from receiving pain. ThusSM may be a sexual practice or a relationship pattern involving roles, rules, and power.Pain, humiliation, restraint, dominance, and submission may create arousal, intimacy, and satisfaction.

Episode 1 asked why harm is mistaken for love. Here we ask how to distinguish autonomously chosen pain from real harm someone is forced to bear. The categories overlap, so compareEpisode 1.

I originally did not plan a dedicated SM episode because professionally it is first a personal sexual preference and relational choice. Some people are aroused by stockings, feet, scent, or particular roles; such preferences are not inherently psychological problems and should not be pathologized.

But as SM becomes known, accepted, and supported by communities,control and harm disguised as SM also become easier, often departing from autonomy and pleasure.More people report distress and injury.

Today we therefore examine SM deeply:How does a relationship move from autonomy and pleasure toward control and harm? Why does someone with boundaries repeatedly accept what they do not want?As before, begin with a real counseling case.

 

Xiaolin tried SM entirely because of her boyfriend. He was dominant and she submissive. His descriptions initially felt humiliating, uncomfortable, and potentially harmful, so she hesitated.

Yet she gradually became trapped, unable to say no despite pain. Xiaolin had a hereditary skin condition producing rough, scale-like patches. She said they looked ugly and disgusting and did not feel human to touch.